WWE Superstars Report (05/28/09)

I thought I'd try my hand at recapping a WWE show, and I'm starting with last night's episode of WWE Superstars on WGN America.

I've never done this, and I might miss the name of a move here or there...like I said, first time ever doing this.

For the record I will be rating matches on a five snowflake scale *****

Here we go!

WWE....the world is watching!

Theme song...pyro goes off and we are taped from the Staples Center in Los Angles, California!!

According to Todd Grisham our main event for the evening is a match featuing talent from the RAW roster as John Cena will make his Superstars debut against the son of The Million Dollar Man Ted DiBiase...Ted DiBiase..ready, set, go!

AIN'T NO STOPPING ME....NO!!!

The World's Greatest Tag Team is on their way to the ring, why can't they come out to the old WGTT music??

I SPIT IN THE FACE OF PEOPLE WHO DON'T WANT TO BE COOL

Here come your Unified Tag Team Champions, The Colon Brothers.

Match #1: (Non-title Match) The World's Greatest Tag Team (Shelton Benjamin & Charlie Haas) v. WWE Unified Tag Team Champions Carlito & Primo Colon

Jim Ross and Todd Grisham are our commentators for this match. Primo and Shelton are starting out with a lock up, into a side headlock by Shelton. Fireman's carry by Shelton, into an armbar. Primo rolls out and nips up into a forearm shiver from Benjamin. Whip into the corner to Primo from Shelton, Benjamin eats Primo's boot, Primo up top and hits a top rope cross body block into a pin for two. Benjamin tags out to Haas. Haas hammers Primo in the corner. Primo counters a turnbuckle shot and goes up top for some punches, Haas pushes him off into the center of the ring after four shots. Tag to Carlito and a double dropkick to the face by the Colons on Haas. Carlito covers for two and is then thrown into the corner for his troubles as Haas stomps away on him.

Carlito into the WGTT's corner and Shelton is tagged in and delivers several kicks to Carlito's chest and rolled into a sitting headlock by Benjamin. Carlito begins to counter out and is whipped into the ropes and takes a huge scoop slam. Carlito counters a possible powerbomb attempt into a roll up for two. Back body drop from Carlito to Benjamin and Carlito tags in Primo. Primo attacks with several punches, dropkicks and a hurricanrana for a two count. Shelton tossed outside to the apron where Primo is distracted by Haas and Shelton snaps Primo's right arm and shoulder right off the top rope as we head to our first commercial break.

~COMMERCIAL BREAK~

Apparently "12 Rounds" starring John Cena is coming out on DVD and Blu Ray soon...if a tree falls in the woods can anyone hear it?

We're back and Haas is in control of Primo in the corner. Haas tags Benjamin in and he goes for a pinfall and gets a two count. Mounted punches from Shelton, who throws Primo shoulder first into the corner ring post. Haas is tagged in and he immediately goes to work on the injured shoulder. Lot of ground and pound from Charlie, which shouldn't shock anyone. Primo starts mounting a comeback with one arm and almost makes the hot tag before he is stopped by Haas who hits him with a spinebuster. Haas goes to the pinfall but it is broken up by Carlito. Benjamin is tagged in and goes right after the shoulder. Benjamin is getting really agressive with severl forearms to the face. Rear armbar by Benjamin, Primo tries to counter with punches but is slammed to the canvas.

BROOKLYN BROOKLYN!

Cryme Tyme is out on the stage with mics and they begin to make their way down to the ring. They start ripping on the WGTT calling Benjamin Wesley Snipes. Distracted by Cryme Tyme Shelton is rolled up by Primo for a two count. JTG tells Shelton to pay attention as Primo makes the hot tag to Carlito. Carlito comes in on fire, bit Million Dollar knee lift and a clotheline to Benjamin, followed by a top rope elbow and Carlito gets a two count. Haas tagged in and Carlito knocks Shelton off the apron and goes for a moonsault of the middle of the top rope which is countered by Haas who flips Carlito over his back, however Carlito hits the Back Stabber and 1...2...3 it's over! **1/2 (Basic tag team match, I like the fact the Colons are mixing it up with teams from all three brands)

Winners: The Colons via pinfall following a Back Stabber by Carlito to Haas

Colons celebrate with Cryme Tyme as the World's Greatest Tag Team looks on in disgust from the ring.

They cut to an interview with the band Adilita's Way, who are responsible for the lame Superstars theme song. They seem like real big douche bags..which most new rockers are..what happened to good rock music????

The All American American Jack Swagger admires himself in front of a mirror...you'd think he'd be studying his speech therapy book...I'm just saying. Finlay/Swagger is next.

~COMMERCIAL BREAK~

We're back and the Man Who Loves to Fight Finlay is on his way to the ring...however he is still coming out to Hornswoggle's shitty music...bring back his old music!!! "MY NAME IS FINLAY...AND I LOVE TO FIGHT!!!"

"Get on your knees!" Age Against the Machine hits and out comes the former ECW Champion the All American American JACK SCCCCHHHWAGGGER!

Match #2: Finlay v. Jack Swagger

Swagger goes right after Finlay taking him to the corner, delivering several vicious knee and fist strikes. Swagger whips Finlay across the ring to the other corner for more of the same. Third corner and Finlay comes up with a boot to the face, but Swagger immediately throws him through the ropes to the outside and starts doing push-ups in the ring! Marvelous!!

Jack Doan counts to five before Finlay gets back in and Swagger attacks and hits a second rope Vader Splash. Matt Striker just called out Josh Matthews for saying Swagger had never been in an Extreme Rules match before, which he has. Gotta love Striker. Swagger kills some time with a bear hug on the mat. Finlay powers out, but is whipped into the ring ropes and Swagger goes for an abdominal stretch, which is countered by Finlay and Swagger is thrown out of the ring. Finlay out on the apron and Swagger stands up and eats several boots the face. Finlay jumps off the apron towards Swagger who catches Finlay and rams him back first into the ring post, Swagger rolls him back in the ring and covers him for a two count.

Swagger goes up to the second rope and misses this attempt and the Vader Splash when Finlay counters with his knees, shoots the half and gets a two count. Finlay whips Swagger into the ropes who counters into a tilt-a-whirl Powerbomb attempt, but instead slams Finlay upside down into the corner and then hits him with the powerslam. Swagger grabs the shillelagh and is stopped by the official, inside cradle by Finlay for a two count. Finlay spears Swagger into the corner and goes for the Celtic Cross, but it is countered into the gutwrench powerbomb by Swagger for the three count. *1/2 (Just when it started getting good it was over)

Winner: Jack Swagger via pinfall following a gutwrench powerbomb

RAW Rebound....you know, Vince had an opportunity to showcase a good wrestling show on Monday night, instead they aired their pety dirty laundry live for the world to see. How ridiculous is it when the WWE carts out these horrible impersonators...this wasn't as bad as the Rosie/Trump thing a few years ago, but give me a break guys...let's see wrestling on our wrestling show...oh that's right I forgot...this is a Sports Entertainment show. Anyhow...I'm still pulling for the Lakers and the Cavaliers in the Finals...I'll skip RAW to watch Kobe and LeBron play each other.

~COMMERCIAL BREAK~

Michael Cole Slaw is here with Jerry Lawler and they are hyping up the Steel Cage match at Extreme Rules between Orton and Batista...and they go to a "very special video look at Randy Orton". I will never get sick of seeing the video of Orton punting Vince's head into the second row...that was fantastic! Probably the best moment of the year on RAW thus far.

Cole Slaw and Pervert run down the Extreme Rules card:

WWE Championship Steel Cage Match: Champion Randy Orton v. Batista
World Heavyweight Championship Ladder Match: Champion Edge v. Jeff Hardy
Submission Match: John Cena v. The Big Show

That's all they show...which is bullshit, fuck that...if you're going to sell a PPV, sell the whole PPV so people know what ALL they are getting for their money!

Since the WWE won't tell you what else is on the card I will:

Samoan Strap Match: CM Punk v. Umaga
WWE Intercontinental Championship No Holds Barred Match: Champion Rey Mysterio v. Chris Jericho
Hog Pen Match for the Miss Wrestlemania Crown: Vickie Guerrero v. "Santina" Marella
ECW Championship Triple Threat Hardcore Rules Match: Champion Christian v. Tommy Dreamer v. Jack Swagger

I'd fully expect one or two more matches to be added before next Sunday.

Here come's Cena...and once again Cole Slaw reminds us that this is his Superstars debut.

Vintage Cole calls it a thunderous ovation...I'd call it about 70/30. John Cena v. Ted DiBiase is next....

~COMMERCIAL BREAK~

"YEAH I'M PRICELESS....OH BABY I'M PRICELESS"

DiBiase is coming down to the ring alone, which would indicate an air of confidence about young master DiBiase. However, he is going up against WWE's very own Superman...so he's already lost the match.

Match #3: John Cena v. Ted DiBiase

Bell rings and they lock up. Cena takes DiBiase down and into the corner. The official calls for the break, but in true heel fashion DiBiase locks in a side headlock and carries Cena over to the canvas. Crowd is chanting for Cena now. DiBiase should blocks Cena and knocks him down, DiBiase whips Cena into the ropes and Cena reverses into a hip toss, side slam and a running elbow by Cena. Cena whips DiBiase into the ropes and Ted hits a kick to the face and starts working Cena over in the corner with chops and a boot to the throat. King just mentioned that no one has ever made The Big Show tap out...bull shit. I remember The Undertaker making him tap out to the Gogaplata just eight months ago. Bulldog by Cena and a two count. DiBiase is whipped into the corner and he slips out of the way and Cena collides with the turnbuckle. DiBiase mounts Cena and goes to work with some wild punches. Someone in the front row just held up a Vader sign...It's time!!!! DiBiase continues to work over Cena, and gets a two count.

DiBiase is frustrated with the referee's count and asks the crowd, "What is this?" as he looks over the falled Doctor of Thuganomics. Cena blocks a straight right from DiBiase and whips him into the ropes, DiBiase goes for a cross body block and Cena catches him and sets him up for the FU (I refuse to call it the Attitude Adjustment) and DiBiase fights out and bails to the outside where Cena makes chase and ends up face first into the ring steps as we go to our last commercial break.

~COMMERCIAL BREAK~

We're back and DiBiase is still in control, and he has Cena in a rear chin lock. Cena powers out and rolls DiBiase up for two. DiBiase gets up and delivers a very solid clothesline to Cena. DiBiase drops several fists into Cena's face, just like his dad used to, a very Ortonesque dropkick from DiBiase to Cena and he goes for a pinfall and gets two. Cena is up and starts building momentum and it's time for the five moves of doom...flying shoulder block, flying shoulder block...tilt-a-whirl powerbomb...YOU CAN'T SEE ME...5 Knuckle Shuffle....FU! NO! DiBiase counters the FU into a roll up and grabs a hand full of tights for two. Scoop slam by DiBiase for two. DiBiase lifts Cena up, whips him into the ropes, back body drop by Cena....FU attempt in the corner but DiBiase holds onto the ropes! Cena releases and has ahold of his legs still and kicks DiBiase right in the solar plexis (Thank you Monsoon!) Cena steps back and rushes the corner, DiBiase counters with an elbow, flying clothesline and DiBiase is stalking Cena...scoops him up and hit's a Shock Drop for two. Cena to the outside on the apron and Cena is going up for a top rope move, but DiBiase is there and he is thinking superplex, but Cena counters out, pushes DiBiase down and hits the Rocker Dropper...DiBiase is down, Cena locks in the STF and that is all she wrote folks and DiBiase taps out. ** (Solid outing for DiBiase, he looked great against Cena here and I can't complain too much about that)

Winner: John Cena via submission by STF on Ted DiBiase

Cena celebrates as we fade to black.

Decent little wrestling show tonight, not much shenanigans other than Cryme Tyme getting involved, but I welcome anything that gets more tag teams involved in the tag team championship picture. DiBiase looked like he could hang with Cena, and even beat him on the right night...and Swagger basically had a prolonged squash against Finlay. I've got to say that Superstars has been fairly consistant so far since is't debut...I love the idea of three matches every week from each brand..you know they are all going to get decent time.

Well folks until next time keep geeking out!